We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just googled if crying burns calories
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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