hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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