i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
