So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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