But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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