I wish I only lived at night.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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