Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
