i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
