It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dear god my vagina.
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