chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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