remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
