he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
