not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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