When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
