So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
