I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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