i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
