do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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