I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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