the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
