All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
