my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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