So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
