Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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