Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Boobs are out for the taking
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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