When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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