your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
