you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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