I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This is classic penis vs brain.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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