Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
