Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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