Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
