I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
