At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
