hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
