I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
