you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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