I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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