I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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