My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
