you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
