u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
