hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
