life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
