so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
