Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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