if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
