Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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