i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
