I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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