things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They have beer where we have blood.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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