This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
