I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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